Twisted Tuesday

Before I get into the gritty details of my first college party experience, I want to apologize for the time lapse between my posts. I’ve come to discover I need to actually DO things in order to see some funky shit. Thus, I decided to explore the wilds of this infamous party college.

It was beginning to look like an ordinary Tuesday  that I would spend pacing the perimeter of the store I work at, bored as fuck, and in desperate need of some entertainment. I was tossing the idea of going to a house party that my friend, J-Wow, invited me to. A little side note about myself; I am not much of a drinker for multiple reasons. There is a family history of alcoholism, I’m underage *cough, cough*, and if I get a Minor I will not be accepted into the program I am studying for. A couple of HUGE fucking red flags, right? Right.

While I was on my dinner break around 6:30 pm, J-Wow called the store to invite my co-worker, Alex, and me to the party. She was in dyer need of some fun with her girls! So, after about an hour of contemplation, we said, “Eh, fuck it. We don’t have class ’til late!” Game on. We were down for a good time, but boy, were we in for on hell of a treat…

We got off work and Alex followed me to my parking spot. (I have to park A MILLION miles from my room, but Alex follows me and drives me back to my dorm. So grateful! LOVE HER!) Anyways, we call J-Wow to get her location. “At my apartment! Come hang out!” After some complications, we made it and relaxed at her place for about an hour. We finalized some planes at about 12:00 am after getting a call from her old friend. It was time to party! We ended up packing 6 people into Alex’s Chevy Cobalt, because we had to pick up some of J-Wow’s friends before arriving at the venue. The guys were already pre-gaming at their house. Needless to say, they were already getting a tad bit belligerent.

We get to the rage fest and shit is about to go down. We approach what seems to be a quiet town home but when the door opens the illusion is shattered. The familiar sounds of Nelly fill my ears. CLEARLY, these people want to get their rage on if they are are listening to throwbacks like Nelly. That shit brings me back to the 3rd grade.

Greeted at the door by the shirtless host, we nearly double the size of the party. Let me give you a break down of the characters there: the host is a shirtless “entrepreneur”… (we all know what that means in college…) who was fully invested in an intense game of beer pong with his rugby playing sister; two love birds were either having a drunken fight or getting seriously intimate; one girl was drunk off her ass and scarfing down 100 slices of Domino’s pizza; and, the last dude…Jesus… was either high and/or drunk and putting the moves on Alex and me all fucking night.

As time went on, J-Wow was playing beer pong while the “entrepreneur” decided to challenge pizza girl and love bird slut to a… DANCE OFF! “Drop It Low” by Ester Dean rattled the house while this fuck-tard two stepped his way to a valiant victory. The chicks just shook their asses in everyone’s faces. Seriously, bitch? I don’t need to see that…

Sweating and parched, he cracks open some Gatorade. Mind you, this was after he made a drink with the last hard liquor that was in the house, conveniently hidden in a book with a flask holder on the inside. Coolest thing I have ever seen. However, he EMPTIES the flask into his 16 oz. cup. WINNING.

The time moved deeper into the night and at about 1:30 am, Alex and I are getting pretty sketched out by the drunk/high dude. He makes us both stare into the light so he can examine our eyes… Yep, this guys is definitely tripping on something. He proceeds to show us his graphic design masterpieces on his iPhone. (90% of them were pictures of eyeballs that looked like he downloaded them from Google.) Although we were sufficiently creeped out by this guy, we humored him and let him tell us his obscure reasoning for why he was on Earth. It was “to make people smile…” Wha…? If that was a pick up line, it was the shittiest one I have ever heard.

Somewhere in the night, the boys J-Wow brought decided to start an argument with pizza girl, because she was getting cocky over beer pong. It almost got us kicked out. An hour later, one of the guy yells, “BF’s girlfriend!” I asked him what he wanted. They were ready to leave. There was still a lot of beer pong to play, and “entrepreneur” was PISSED. I was the designated driver, so I told the boys to finish their drinks or walk home.

While we were walking to the car, one of them was yelling through out the neighborhood. He then informed me he was on  probation for a DWI… PERFECT! Oh yeah, dude. Good way to be inconspicuous. We got to the car and his brother took the LONGEST piss in history… in someone’s front yard. I drove us all home and crashed as soon as I got back to my steamy, hot dorm room at 2:30 am. I would say that is the most intense Tuesday night I have EVER experienced.


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